Not Again
by DanaDanoushka
Summary: One-shot about how Amelia is informed about Derek's death and the way she handles it. Loosely based on the promo for 11x22 and was definitely written before the episode aired.


**A/N: Hey guys! I somehow forgot to post this little one-shot before the big two hour special two weeks ago. I actually wrote this a couple of days before the episode aired, so it is loosely based on the promo and not on the sneak peek. For me, Amelia is really the most interesting and complex character I've ever seen so I spend a lot of time trying to figure her out. Anyway, this is just some idea I had and you'll quickly notice that it is nothing like it was in the episode. I really loved the way it was handled on the show though, although no one expected that kind of reaction from Amelia, at least not me :) And yes, I sobbed throughout all her scenes, especially that breakdown in front of Owen.  
** **All awards to Caterina Scorsone!**

 **Please enjoy and leave a quick review, feedback is always appreciated :) and pleaaaase tell me if there are any language/ spelling errors (Keep in mind that English is not my first language)**

 **Disclaimer: Nope, don't own anything but the idea. As usual.**

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 **Not Again**

Walking out of the OR and into the prep room to wash her hands, Amelia couldn't help but grin. She felt good. More than good actually. She had just saved a young mother from dying, from leaving her kid. It had been really hard and exhausting but she had won. She had removed that nasty tumor that would have been a death sentence. Yes, she felt great.

That feeling didn't last long though, as she heard the door opening to her left and looked up. Her smile faded. It was Owen. Amelia quickly looked back down at her hands and kept cleaning them. She didn't really want to talk to him and had avoided him as best she could for the last couple of days.

 _I won't survive another plane crash_. These words kept ringing in her ears. He had finally realized that she was not good enough for him. That loving her was a bad idea. She already knew that but hearing it from him had hit her nonetheless. He was better off without her. And he was a really smart man to come to that conclusion.

Owen didn't say anything though. She felt his eyes on her and thought she heard a quiet sigh coming from him. She quickly glanced over her shoulder to see his strained expression.

"Do you need something, chief?" Amelia finally spoke up. She was slightly confused about his behavior.

"I…" He didn't seem to know what to say. His expression turned even darker. "We need to talk, Shepherd."

"Okay, what's up?" Amelia turned toward him, resting her hands on her hips. She really just wanted to get this over with.

"Maybe we should go somewhere private for this." Why did he look so…nervous?

"Whatever you have to say, just say it, chief. I have another patient." Amelia started to get impatient. What was his problem?

"I really don't think…"

"God, chief, just spill it!"

"Amelia." His expression softened. He couldn't keep up the façade any longer. Something was bothering him. He looked…in pain. And why did he just use her first name again?

He silently closed the door behind him and stood right in front of her. He straightened his back.

"It's about Derek." He finally managed. His tone immediately alerted her.

"You're scaring the crap out of me, Owen." She said seriously, forgetting to behave distant and formal.

"There was an accident. A car crash." Okay. So what? Not uncommon to talk about accidents in a hospital. It was part of the job. So what was the big deal? Did Derek mess something up with a patient?

"I'm so sorry, Amelia." He paused for a second. "But Derek didn't make it." Dumbfounded, Amelia just stood there and couldn't wrap her mind around what he'd just said. She didn't understand what he was trying to tell her.

"Didn't make what? What did he do this time?"

"No, he was in the accident and was injured. Badly. He's, um…he's dead." Owen finally confessed. "I'm really sorry." He kept looking at her, as if he was afraid of her reaction.

"Okay. Don't mess with me. That's not funny. At all." Dead? Amelia was starting to get mad at him.

"I'm not messing with you." His quiet voice was full of pain. "Meredith sent me to tell you."

Panic started to rise in Amelia's chest. He sounded serious. But that couldn't be true. He was lying. She had talked to Derek just yesterday. Meredith hadn't called her. She hadn't even seen her last night or this morning. That happened sometimes. It had been a hard day with a lot of surgeries for Amelia, so she had gone straight to bed and got up early to leave again.

"I don't have time for this. Excuse me." She walked past Owen and through the door into the crowded hallway, breathing heavily.

"Amelia, wait!" He immediately went after her.

"Leave me alone!" She kept hurrying away, not really knowing where to go. People were looking at her as she walked past them. She turned around a corner, not sure if Owen was still following her, and stopped in her tracks. In front of her, Callie was currently talking to a nurse and turned her head when she sensed Amelia in the corner of her eye. She looked like she had been crying. Her eyes were all puffy and red.

"Amelia, I'm so sorry." Callie's voice cracked at the end. She looked at her with those big, sad eyes and attempted to approach Amelia, probably to hug her.

"No." This grief and pity in the older doctor's expression was too much to take. Amelia backed away from Callie. She bumped into something heavy behind her and found herself in Owen's arms.

"Stop it, Owen!" He held on to her from behind, trying to calm her down. She could feel his heartbeat, that's how close he held her. It made Amelia furious. She was aware that the whole hallway was watching her fight Owen's strong arms but she really couldn't care less at that moment.

"Let go of me!" She started to cry. Mostly angry tears. It was all too much. Derek. He was not dead. Couldn't be. He had promised to be there.

Finally, she made use of her small frame and wiggled out of Owen's grip to run off. This time, Owen didn't follow her.

Not knowing how she had ended up here, Amelia found herself outside the hospital trying to catch her breath. She leaned against the wall and slowly slid down until she was in a sitting position on the cold, dirty floor. She wrapped her arms around her knees.

"Derek is dead." She told herself to wrap her mind around the idea. Maybe she should call him to make sure they didn't lie to her.

"But why would they lie?" She quietly asked herself. Meredith. She needed to talk to Meredith. But Amelia couldn't get up. Her arms and legs wouldn't obey.

A car crash. Derek had died in a car crash. That's all Owen had told her. Why would he leave her? And Mer? Oh, god. And the kids! If he was really gone, actually gone, then he had done exactly the same as his father. Their father. The realization hit her like a blow in the face. Why did bad things keep happening to the Shepherds? It was not fair.

"How could you leave them? Wasn't it enough that you and me and Lizzie and the others had to suffer through this?" She kept looking at the sky, whispering to herself.

"No, you can't be dead, Derek. You wouldn't leave us like that. Besides, Meredith would have called me…"

Amelia searched for her phone. She finally found it in her pocket and with shaking and sweaty fingers dialed his number. She held the device to her ear and listened, her heart racing. She winced as she went straight to voicemail.

"Hi, you've reached Dr. Shepherd. Please leave a message and I will return your call." Hearing his voice hurt. She kept calling him anyway, only to keep going to his voicemail over and over again.

Finally giving up, Amelia put the phone back into her pocket. "Okay. Don't freak out. Don't. Freak. Out." Her breathing got faster despite her words. "You're fine. You're gonna be fine. Mer will explain everything to you." Millions of questions raced through her thoughts. What accident? How was that even possible? Why did no one call her? Where was Derek?

She couldn't help but think about all the pain killers in the building behind her. About how they could make her feel better in a matter of seconds. She would just have to go to inside and accept their help.

"No, don't run again. Drugs are not the answer. Remember what they've done to you…to Ryan…" Amelia reminded herself.

Suddenly, her eyes widened in shock. Her brother was dead. It had finally hit her.

"Derek is dead!" She said again, louder this time. Her breathing fastened even more. She felt tears running uncontrollably down her cheeks. Amelia coughed a few times and put her hands to her chest, trying to find out why she couldn't breathe properly. It felt like she was suffocating. Her whole body was shaking. She couldn't even think straight anymore.

All of a sudden, she heard footsteps next to her.

"Dr. Shepherd! Are you okay?!" She felt someone touch her shoulder, slightly shaking it.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Amelia heard panic in that voice. She wanted to say something but couldn't. She looked up at the resident and saw her concerned eyes. Stephanie's shocked face was also tear stained.

"Okay, listen to me!" Stephanie knelt in front of Amelia and put her hands on either of her shoulders. "Okay, deep breaths. Just try to breathe. In and out."

Amelia tried to do as she was told. After a few excruciating moments, it finally helped. Her breathing got slower and she calmed down a bit. Stephanie sighed and let go of her shoulders.

"I just…I heard something out here and thought I should check…" Stephanie tried to explain.

"Thanks." Amelia managed hoarsely, still focused on her breathing.

"I…just heard about…I'm so sorry." Amelia didn't want to hear that. She's heard these words too many times already in her life. Silence fell upon the two surgeons.

After a few moments though, Stephanie spoke up again, sounding unsure of what to do next.

"I can get Dr. Grey if you want...or maybe chief Hunt…?" She tried to get up but Amelia grabbed her wrist.

"No, don't go. Please, Stephanie." Apparently surprised by both the panic in her eyes and the use of her first name, Stephanie stopped moving immediately.

"Dr. Shep-" She began to say but was cut off.

"Amelia."

"What?"

"We're superheroes together, remember? Call me Amelia."

"Okay." Stephanie seemed unsure of how to handle the situation. She sighed again and said, "Amelia, we should get inside. It's pretty cold out here and you're shivering." Amelia looked at her bare arms and noticed the freezing sensation for the first time.

A small "Oh" was all she could manage.

"Come on." Stephanie took her hand and pulled her up. Together, they slowly walked inside again, Stephanie holding on to Amelia's arm just to further show her support. Amelia wasn't crying anymore. She just had a blank expression on her face, mainly still focused on keeping her breathing steady. As they walked past the hospital staff, they got pitiful and sad looks. Everyone liked Derek. It was a very sad day for the hospital. But a life changing day for Amelia.

"Do you want to just sit down and maybe eat or…?" Stephanie asked, concern still evident in her soft voice.

"Um…I don't know…" Her mind was empty. She didn't know what time it was or what day or if she was hungry. Her only thought was, _My brother is dead_.

"Okay, I'm lost here, Amelia. What do you need? I can do anything you want."

"Then give me my brother back." It was barely audible but Stephanie looked near tears again. Instead of further asking questions, she just led Amelia to a near conference room. Fortunately, the lights were out and it was empty. Amelia just stood in the middle of the room, still in shock mode.

"You um, you don't have to stay here. I'm fine." Stephanie just gave her a look and said,

"Listen, I'll be right back but I need to take care of something. Just don't go anywhere, please." It was a little bit as if Stephanie were talking to a scared child.

Amelia heard the door close, slid down the wall again, ignoring the chairs, and put her hands over her face. She felt her blue scrub cap still on top of her head and pulled it off to free her dark locks.

This was a nightmare. Her whole life was one huge nightmare that she would only wake up from when she was finally dead. She had no one left. She was all alone. Her father, whom she had adored and admired so much, was long gone. Her best friend Michelle from her wild past was also gone. Then there was the sweet and caring Ryan who had died because of her. Her beautiful unicorn baby hadn't even died in her arms but on a cold OR table not even able to live for an hour. Mark, who had been like a second brother, had left them way too early because of some stupid plane. And now on top of all this misery came Derek's death.

Her brother, her personal hero in so many ways. He had always had her back. Sure there had been rocky times, too, but she always knew she could trust him. He had saved her life twice. Once as a kid and once as a teenager. He had been an amazing big brother.

Amelia had always been the black sheep of the family. Her relationship with her mother was okay these days, but she didn't get along well with her older sisters. They still thought of her as an annoying little girl seeking attention by doing the worst things imaginable, dishonoring her family on the way. None of them knew about her baby. None of them cared. But Derek did. He always did.

"Well, not anymore." She said quietly. Where should she go from here? She had no idea. Suddenly, the door opened again, shaking her out of her thoughts. In the doorway stood Owen with a sad expression on his face and looking like a beaten puppy. He cleared his throat.

"Um, Edwards sent me to give you this." He closed the door and stepped closer, holding a big cookie in her direction. "The cafeteria had nothing but this so…" He trailed off. She looked at his hand and almost laughed at his genuine effort. Almost.

"Thanks." She took it but didn't take a bite. Instead, she continued staring into space, still sitting on the hard floor in a pretty dark room with a cookie in her hand. He broke the silence again.

"I…do you want to talk?"

"No. I'm fine." How many times has she said those words in her life? Countless times. And she didn't mean it even once.

"Amelia." His voice was soft.

"Just leave me alone, please." She begged.

"I just wanna help you." He stepped closer and knelt down in front of her. But she wasn't looking at him. She was staring at the cookie now.

"Well, you can't." Her voice broke.

"Let me try." His hand gently touched her arm. Her head snapped up at once. She was looking directly in his eyes now, pain written all over her face.

"Why do you still care?" She whispered. Ouch, that hurt. She knew this was not okay but she couldn't help it. When things went wrong, she pushed people away and hurt them. It was an automatism of self-defense.

He didn't back away as she expected. Instead, he moved to sit beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. Smelling the familiar scent and feeling his strong supporting arm around her broken figure, she couldn't help but lean into that small bit of comfort. She hesitantly rested her head on his chest, burying her face in the fabric of his shirt. The cookie fell to the ground as she put her hands in front of her chest, closing the small gap that was left between them. He gently placed his other hand on the back of her head.

Amelia had no strength left to cry. She just sat there, feeling protected. They sat there in silence for a long time. It felt like hours. Finally, Amelia found her voice again.

"What happened to him?"

It took a long time for Owen to find the right words. He was probably in shock himself. Derek had been a good friend of his.

"He was on his way to the airport. As he drove, he witnessed a terrible car crash and went to help. He saved the lives of four people. After the ambulance lef, he wanted to continue driving. I don't know any details. I just know that his car was then hit by a truck." She winced at that thought and began to shiver again. She didn't know whether that was because of the thin fabric of her clothes or the thought of Derek being run over.

"Are you cold? We could go to an on-call room. There are blankets." Of course he had felt her body trembling.

"No, it's fine." She mumbled again.

"Okay." He attempted to stand up but Amelia held on to him for dear life, eyes wide open.

"Amelia, let's get you in a warmer room. That's all I'm trying to do." He grabbed her arms and pulled her effortlessly up with him. She was still close to him and was not planning on letting go.

"Alright then." With one smooth motion, he picked her up and carried her outside. Soon after, she found herself in the next on-call room. He gently placed her on a bed. Pulling her shoes off, he helped her get comfortable on the sheets and finally climbed in after her. He sat on the bed and leaned against the wall, letting Amelia rest her head in his lap. He pulled the blanket over her shoulders and wrapped his arms back around her small frame. She felt so helpless and small being cared for like this. She was not used to it.

She closed her eyes, breathing in his scent and trying to remain calm. She felt his thumb making small soothing circles on her shoulder.

Her thoughts inevitably drifted back to her brother. And her family. Did they know? Should she call them? Her mother would be devastated. She has lost the love of her life and now her only son. That warm hearted, caring woman deserved nothing like this. Amelia didn't want to call her sisters either. One would probably constantly analyze her behavior, the other wouldn't stop making up what if scenarios and god knows what Nancy would say to her.

Addison would know what to do. Oh, god. Addison. She will be crushed by this news. She spent so many years with Derek. Their marriage was the reason Amelia and Addison were as close as sisters should be. Her real sisters were nothing in comparison, which was rather sad. Amelia would call her tonight because she deserved to know. It would be horrible.

"You'd think I should be used to this kind of stuff happening to me by now." Her voice was very quiet. She began to shiver again and he immediately pulled the blanket higher up although this kind of cold was coming from inside of her. "But the truth is, it hurts always a little more. It's hard to explain." He looked down at her and she saw his wet eyes. Owen Hunt was crying.

She reached up and touched his face. For a moment, she just focused on his hurt expression. He lost a friend today. It must be hard on him, too.

"Sorry, it's just…I wanna take away all your pain." His voice broke. "I would bring him back immediately if I could. Seeing you like this…it makes it about a 100 times worse for me than it already is."

That was not what she expected him to say. She didn't know how to respond to that kind of heartfelt confession. Instead, she just shifted in his embrace and wrapped her arms around his middle, burying her face in his shirt again. She couldn't stop her own tears now.

Her feelings were all messed up. Grief, disbelief, shock, confusion, and now on top of that came her gratitude and love for Owen. She was one big mess. He was a mess, too. But maybe they could go through this together. She was confused about a lot of things right now, but the one thing she was certain of was that she wouldn't make it through this alone. Not again.

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 **A/N: Thanks for reading! Man, this was really hard to write and I hope it is not too OOC.**


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